Worst Jokes Ever

How do fat people settle arguments?

By bumping into each other to see who falls over first.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

How do fat people settle arguments?

By seeing who can eat the most at a buffet.

What do you call a Vietnamese antivirus scanner?

An-Thi-cho-rho-na.

On April Fools' Day, there is no fool except for me.

I wanted to open a restaurant for the hearing impaired, but the slogan "Enjoy without hesitation" didn't go down so well.

What does Meg do when she gets a cold sore?

She bathes in diarrhea.

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

Why'd the orange lose the race?

Because it ran out of juice.

I love your hair today.

How did you get it to come out your nose like that?

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

Why are transgender people like confused kids?

Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.

What do Somalians excel at in the US?

Welfare fraud.

What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 1800s?

Master.

What do you call an older white man surrounded by young black men in the 2000s?

Coach.

That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?

What fruit loves rollercoasters the most?

A kiwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

What do you call something that eats kids?

An upset mother.

What did one lung say to another lung?

"We belung together!"

What does a gay horse eat?

Heyyy!